New expectations dating inc
; however, few issues sound the death knell of a marriage more certainly than unfulfilled expectations. The answer to these questions can make or break your marriage.
One of the complaints heard most frequently by marriage counselors is, “my needs are not being met.”The oft-heard lament is typically translated “what I expected has not come to pass.” Let’s take a closer look at expectations: What are they, and how might they be understood and dealt with effectively? The difficulty with expectations is that they are often poorly defined and sometimes completely unknown.
Sally may have an inappropriate need to control Brad, or possibly taking out the trash is symbolic to her of something else—perhaps that Brad loves her. We have already discussed the first quadrant; now let’s look at the third.
How, then, do you ensure before the marriage that these types of issue will not turn into painful, destructive conflict? The second quadrant (Neurosis) also involves control. Well, yes, particularly if it hasn’t been taken out for a month.What follows is a list of typical expectations that might be held by some: “I expect that my husband will discuss and resolve disagreements in a systematic and logical manner.” “I expect my wife will be excited about making love with me every night.” “I expect a good deal of affection and a great deal of physical contact in our marriage.” “I expect that my wife will nurture and comfort me when I am ill.” “I expect that my husband will climb the corporate ladder and make ever increasing amounts of money.” “I expect that we will have daily devotions and prayer in our home.” “I expect that my wife will remain slim and shapely throughout our marriage.” “I expect that my husband will take pleasure in sharing the events of the day when he gets home.” “I expect to have dinner waiting for me when I get home at .” “I expect that my husband will do his fair share of household maintenance.” “I expect to entertain a large army of family members at major holidays.” “I expect to have an open home in which people feel free to drop by at any time.” “I expect a ,000 wedding with a three-carat diamond ring—I deserve the best.” The list of potential expectations is endless, and even while reading the brief inventory listed above, you may find yourself feeling comfortable with some whereas others may seem worse than a nightmare. Let’s explore two of them, starting with the first: “I expect that my husband will resolve disagreements in a systematic and logical way.” If the husband is skilled in that style of resolving conflict (or is willing to learn and able to do so) all is well.But if the husband has never thought logically about conflict resolution and tends to follow the pattern of his family of origin (violent verbal outbursts with wild yelling, arm waving, and finger pointing) the marriage is in for some major trauma. “I expect my wife will be excited about making love with me every night.” There are women who would enjoy that, but not the majority. Perhaps he has watched many romantic or soft-porn films in which the female star is well paid to be excited about lovemaking.One of the better examples of something we did not share (and had no expectation that we should) was the 2001 IAAF World Championships of Track and Field, held just a short drive up Highway 2 in Edmonton, Alberta.I was nationally ranked in the marathon in my youth, have followed the sport closely ever since, but had never attended a world championship.